The way we connect with others, how we give and receive love, how we handle intimacy, and how we respond to conflict, is largely shaped by our early experiences. Attachment theory explains these patterns, grouping them into four styles: anxious, avoidant, disorganised, and secure.
Our attachment style is often formed in childhood, based on how our caregivers responded to our emotional needs. Some people received consistent love and care, while others experienced neglect, inconsistency, or even harm. These early experiences shape how we navigate relationships in adulthood.
But no matter how our attachment style was formed, healing is possible. The Bible offers a vision of love rooted in security, trust, and faithfulness. Through God’s love, we can mend broken relational patterns and move towards healthier connections. Therapy and counselling can also play an essential role in this healing, providing guidance and practical tools that complement spiritual growth.
Attachment Styles Through a Biblical Lens
Anxious Attachment – Overcoming Fear of Abandonment
How Anxious Attachment Develops
Anxious attachment develops when a child’s caregivers are inconsistent in their love and responsiveness. Sometimes, they are warm and attentive; other times, they may be distant or preoccupied. This unpredictability creates deep insecurity, making the child feel that love must be earned and that closeness could be taken away at any moment.
As adults, those with anxious attachment often struggle with self-worth, fearing abandonment and seeking constant reassurance in relationships.
A Biblical Perspective on Anxious Attachment
From a biblical standpoint, anxious attachment reflects the human tendency to seek security in people rather than in God. Inconsistent human love creates fear, but God's love is steadfast and unchanging.
- The Lord appeared to us in the past, saying: ‘I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness.’ — Jeremiah 31:3
- Perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. — 1 John 4:18
Steps Towards Healing:
- Rooting identity in God's unwavering love rather than in human approval (Romans 8:38-39).
- Learning to trust that love is not earned but freely given (Ephesians 2:8-9).
- Practising prayer and meditation to replace fear with God’s peace (Philippians 4:6-7).
- Working with a therapist to explore underlying fears and develop healthier relational patterns.
Avoidant Attachment – Embracing Vulnerability
How Avoidant Attachment Develops
Avoidant attachment forms when caregivers are emotionally unavailable, rejecting, or dismissive of a child’s needs. A child learns that expressing emotions leads to rejection, so they suppress their needs and become self-reliant.
As adults, those with avoidant attachment struggle with emotional closeness, finding it uncomfortable to depend on others. They may avoid intimacy, struggle with expressing emotions, and withdraw when relationships become too deep.
A Biblical Perspective on Avoidant Attachment
Avoidant attachment reflects a fear of vulnerability and reliance on self rather than on God and others. But the Bible calls us into relationships built on trust, openness, and mutual care.
- It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.— Genesis 2:18
- Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfil the law of Christ. — Galatians 6:2
Steps Towards Healing:
- Trusting that love is meant to be shared, not withheld (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10).
- Learning to rely on God instead of avoiding intimacy (Proverbs 3:5-6).
- Practising vulnerability in safe, Christ-centred relationships.
- Seeking therapy to gently work through discomfort with emotional closeness and intimacy.
Disorganised Attachment – Finding Stability in God’s Love
How Disorganised Attachment Develops
Disorganised attachment often results from trauma, abuse, or severe inconsistency in caregiving. A child may experience love and fear from the same person, leading to deep confusion about relationships. They want connection but also fear it, leading to unpredictable relational patterns in adulthood.
As adults, those with disorganised attachment may struggle with deep trust issues, experiencing both intense desire for closeness and overwhelming fear of being hurt.
A Biblical Perspective on Disorganised Attachment
Disorganised attachment mirrors the deep internal conflict that comes from broken trust. The Bible acknowledges that trauma distorts our ability to love and be loved, but God offers a steady, unchanging foundation.
- The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.— Psalm 34:18
- For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind. — 2 Timothy 1:7
Steps Towards Healing:
- Developing a relationship with God as a source of consistent, unfailing love (Lamentations 3:22-23).
- Seeking therapy, prayer, and safe relationships to rebuild trust.
- Releasing fear and embracing God’s peace in moments of emotional distress (Philippians 4:6-7).
Secure Attachment – The Goal of Healthy Relationships
How Secure Attachment Develops
Secure attachment is formed when a child’s caregivers are consistently loving, responsive, and trustworthy. The child learns that relationships are safe, love is stable, and their needs will be met.
As adults, securely attached individuals are comfortable with intimacy, trust others easily, and handle conflict in a healthy way. They are neither overly anxious nor avoidant in relationships.
A Biblical Perspective on Secure Love
God’s love is the ultimate model of secure attachment—consistent, unwavering, and unconditional. Those who experience deep healing can begin to mirror this kind of love in their own relationships.
- Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good. His love endures forever. — Psalm 136:26
- For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers… will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.— Romans 8:38-39
Steps Towards Secure Attachment:
- Allowing God’s love to reshape how we give and receive love (Ephesians 3:17-19).
- Cultivating healthy relationships built on trust and open communication.
- Living in the confidence that we are fully loved and secure in Christ.
- Continuing personal growth through therapy or spiritual mentorship to maintain healthy relationships.
Our attachment style influences the way we love, trust, and connect with others. While early experiences shape us, they do not define us—healing is possible.
Therapy and counselling can play an essential role in this healing process. Professional guidance, paired with faith, helps untangle unhealthy patterns and build secure, healthy relationships. As we embrace both the wisdom of mental health professionals and the transformative love of God, we can move towards wholeness.
What are your thoughts on attachment styles? Have you recognised patterns in your own relationships? How has faith played a role in your healing journey? Let’s continue the conversation in the comments.